Appropriate Anger

This message first appeared on "MK Safety Net Forum on Delphi Forums" in January, 2000.

I am rewriting this piece on anger because it is a subject which affects any and all abused people; in this case all of those among you who were abused at mission schools anywhere.

Early in the lives of children raised in Christian homes, the subject of anger is usually addressed by parents or guardians by labeling it unchristian or with such phrases as "God doesn't like you to show anger." This is especially true, I believe, in the context of mission boarding schools where control is such a major factor. My impression is that during the time Ann and I were in Mali and our boys were at Mamou, this would have
been the case. Additionally, and quite importantly, the house parents were not very well-educated people; they knew nothing, or next to nothing, about child development.

What happened therefore, in addition to the abominable theology, was that children who were being hit, deprived of food and of genuine love, completely lost their self-esteem. (I'm not using that as "pop psychology" - I'm a retired pastoral psychotherapist - but in its purist sense). If a child thinks that the adults know what they are doing and therefore believe they are getting what they deserve, it has the effect of keeping any feeling of anger totally out of consciousness. That means that they have lost their self-esteem.

The road to recovery, in my view, demands the resurrection of appropriate anger related to having been terribly abused, whether physically in hitting, spiritually as when the abusive adults insist that the children read the Bible and see how much God loves them and then, after mistreating them unmercifully, insists that they must love the adults as well and apologize for their misdeeds. What a terrible poisonous mix. It's no wonder that many of these individuals, now as adults, have nothing to do with the notion of "God."

The first step to retrieving the lost esteem is to begin to recognize how appropriate it is for one to be enraged at having been treated so abysmally, and so undeservedly. As soon as one begins to feel that anger, guilt sets in to keep you right in that place. It's like "how dare you stand up for yourself, who do you think you are?" So if one is not careful, the guilt becomes a defense against beginning the journey to genuine restoration of the self. Feelings of anger are healthy. They mean that you begin to understand that you are valued, that you matter! Although a good bit of our anger as humans is neurotic, this is not. It is reality-based and is essential to a healthy sense of self. I don't want to belabor this point but I felt it was essential for all to understand that if they begin to get in touch with anger, it is a wonderful sign! Some may wonder about "what do I do with it?"

I'll be glad to dialog with any who are interested in that aspect of the journey back to
health.

Howard Beardslee, Parent of two alumni from Mamou Alliance Academy

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